Set loose in Ohio

Its been a while since I have last posted one of Brandon’s conversations. We now have an 11 month old daughter and I think he sleeps a lot less sound worrying about her. Now when I ask him questions he wakes up concerned that I am bugging him about her. However, just recently, he was sleeping hard enough for me to ask a question or two.


This new one involves our big black doberman, Elliott, and some recent news from Ohio.

I need to set the stage for this one: There have been reports on the news lately of a man from Ohio that was keeping a zoo of exotic animals in his backyard. Lions, tigers, bears…the whole works. As the story goes, the man committed suicide right after he set 56 animals free in the streets of Zanesville, OH. Because the police and officials do not normally carry tranquilizers they were forced to shoot and kill a 49 of the 56 animals that escaped.

The other thing you need to know is that Elliott has been tearing up the basement carpet for the last 4 years. He only does it when he is frustrated, but the hole is getting pretty big.

At this point in the night Elliott was crowding Brandon’s side of the bed.

Brandon: Ugg. Elliott get out of the way. Why do we have you?
Kristina: Be nice
B: I’m gonna dress him up like a cheetah and teach him to meow like a cat.
K: Why would you do that?
B: No, not a cheetah, a gazelle. We are going to dress him up like a gazelle and set him loose in Ohio.
K: (Chuckling) Set him loose?? Poor guy is going to get shot!
B: That’s the point
K: Why would you dress him like a gazelle?
B: Well, there’s the black thing.
K: Are gazelles even black? I don’t think they are.
B: Kristina, you need to not be so racist. Poor Elliott says “You guys see a hole in the carpet and you automatically think it is me, just because I am black!” Kristina, you can’t always blame him.
K: (Laughing out loud) I guess you told me.

Reviving the bachelor pad

When I moved into Brandon's house, I will admit, I took away some of it's more male features. Since we got married it has only gotten worse. The alcohol bottles were removed from above the kitchen cabinets, we got adult furniture, and most of his "guy" things were moved from the living room to the bar room in the basement. So I can see why he said what he says below. I'm just not sure if we need to go that far just to make it more of a "manly" house.

Brandon: Model
Kristina: Model what?
B: Model the house.
K: Model the house???
B: NO, Remodel the house.
K: For what?
B: Top to bottom.
K: Why?
B: It needs a more manly look.
K: Like what?
B: Put a boxing ring in the basement.
K: OK hun, we will think about it.
B: Don't patronize me.
K: (Giggle)
B: We will get the Board of Trustees and they can decide.

You have a baby...in a bar.

We have a baby on the way, so Brandon has been chatty about my pregnant status. Here's one of his more memorable conversations.

Brandon: You going to the nightclub?
Kristina: Do you want me to?
B: You can't your pregnant.
K: Why not?
B: You can't bring a baby...into a bar.
K: Your right.
B: It's like carry on luggage.
K: The baby is?
B: Yeah, where ever you go, it comes with you.

Put another shrimp on the barbie!

So this isn't one of his funniest saying, but this time I actually have audio proof of his rantings. I have attached a script because its hard to hear and understand. Read along as you listen. You might need to turn your volume up, Brandon is soft spoken in his sleep.

To give you some background on the night, Brandon was super tired from working overtime and when his head hit the pillow, he was out. All of a sudden he started ranting about a ton of random things. Five minutes into the ranting I had this crazy idea to get my phone and record it. By the time I got my phone and loaded the video app he was ranting about chickens. That is where the recording begins.

Kristina: What about those chickens again?
Brandon: (mumble)
K: What? You don't like chickens?
B: I don't like chickens
K: Why not?
B: I love em
K: What?
B: I love em
K: You don't like chickens?
B: I said I like chickens
K: You just said you didn't like chickens
B: Your crazy
K: I'm not crazy.
B: Put another shrimp on the barbie
K: What?
B: Put another shrimp on the barbie!
K: (Giggles) I don't like shrimp
B: I don't care
K: Can we make burgers instead?
B: Grrrrrr. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
K: What do you want?
B: I don't know
K: What are you in the mood for?
B: Caribou
K: Caribou? You hate coffee?
B: NOT COFFEE!
K: Not coffee.
B: Aminal
K: Animal. Do you like carbou?
B: Uh huh
K: I would have never known.

Can a guy get a soda?

Not quite sure what this is all about. All I know is that we were just talking about Mr. Pibb when we went to dinner the night before. It must have been stuck in his head.

Brandon: Who is she?
Kristina: I don't know. Who is she?
B: She's just a waitress.
K: What about her?
B: Not sure.
K: Is she any good?
B. NO! I had to back hand her just to get my Mr. Pibb.

She's a dirty girl

So, for the last 4 months, Brandon and I have been expecting our first little baby (we're so excited), and lets face it, I've been tired and lazy. Throughout the morning sickness and being sleepy all the time, Brandon has been the only one to keep up the house. Lately I have been feeling better and starting to pick up my end of the housework, but I still wake up this morning to this conversation:

Brandon: I didn't clean my room.
Kristina: Why not?
B: I didn't feel like it.
K: What is the mess?
B: A little of this, a little of that.
K: Whats the mess from?
B: My wife.
K: (Giggles)
B: She's a dirty girl.

Giraffes can't wear heals

I am 5 foot 10. Brandon is 6 foot 4. We make a great pair but there are some accessories that we both just can't pull off.

Brandon: I'm not wearing the high heals today.
Kristina: Why not?
B: Because I'm too dang tall.