Reviving the bachelor pad

When I moved into Brandon's house, I will admit, I took away some of it's more male features. Since we got married it has only gotten worse. The alcohol bottles were removed from above the kitchen cabinets, we got adult furniture, and most of his "guy" things were moved from the living room to the bar room in the basement. So I can see why he said what he says below. I'm just not sure if we need to go that far just to make it more of a "manly" house.

Brandon: Model
Kristina: Model what?
B: Model the house.
K: Model the house???
B: NO, Remodel the house.
K: For what?
B: Top to bottom.
K: Why?
B: It needs a more manly look.
K: Like what?
B: Put a boxing ring in the basement.
K: OK hun, we will think about it.
B: Don't patronize me.
K: (Giggle)
B: We will get the Board of Trustees and they can decide.

You have a baby...in a bar.

We have a baby on the way, so Brandon has been chatty about my pregnant status. Here's one of his more memorable conversations.

Brandon: You going to the nightclub?
Kristina: Do you want me to?
B: You can't your pregnant.
K: Why not?
B: You can't bring a baby...into a bar.
K: Your right.
B: It's like carry on luggage.
K: The baby is?
B: Yeah, where ever you go, it comes with you.

Put another shrimp on the barbie!

So this isn't one of his funniest saying, but this time I actually have audio proof of his rantings. I have attached a script because its hard to hear and understand. Read along as you listen. You might need to turn your volume up, Brandon is soft spoken in his sleep.

To give you some background on the night, Brandon was super tired from working overtime and when his head hit the pillow, he was out. All of a sudden he started ranting about a ton of random things. Five minutes into the ranting I had this crazy idea to get my phone and record it. By the time I got my phone and loaded the video app he was ranting about chickens. That is where the recording begins.

Kristina: What about those chickens again?
Brandon: (mumble)
K: What? You don't like chickens?
B: I don't like chickens
K: Why not?
B: I love em
K: What?
B: I love em
K: You don't like chickens?
B: I said I like chickens
K: You just said you didn't like chickens
B: Your crazy
K: I'm not crazy.
B: Put another shrimp on the barbie
K: What?
B: Put another shrimp on the barbie!
K: (Giggles) I don't like shrimp
B: I don't care
K: Can we make burgers instead?
B: Grrrrrr. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
K: What do you want?
B: I don't know
K: What are you in the mood for?
B: Caribou
K: Caribou? You hate coffee?
B: NOT COFFEE!
K: Not coffee.
B: Aminal
K: Animal. Do you like carbou?
B: Uh huh
K: I would have never known.

Can a guy get a soda?

Not quite sure what this is all about. All I know is that we were just talking about Mr. Pibb when we went to dinner the night before. It must have been stuck in his head.

Brandon: Who is she?
Kristina: I don't know. Who is she?
B: She's just a waitress.
K: What about her?
B: Not sure.
K: Is she any good?
B. NO! I had to back hand her just to get my Mr. Pibb.

She's a dirty girl

So, for the last 4 months, Brandon and I have been expecting our first little baby (we're so excited), and lets face it, I've been tired and lazy. Throughout the morning sickness and being sleepy all the time, Brandon has been the only one to keep up the house. Lately I have been feeling better and starting to pick up my end of the housework, but I still wake up this morning to this conversation:

Brandon: I didn't clean my room.
Kristina: Why not?
B: I didn't feel like it.
K: What is the mess?
B: A little of this, a little of that.
K: Whats the mess from?
B: My wife.
K: (Giggles)
B: She's a dirty girl.

Giraffes can't wear heals

I am 5 foot 10. Brandon is 6 foot 4. We make a great pair but there are some accessories that we both just can't pull off.

Brandon: I'm not wearing the high heals today.
Kristina: Why not?
B: Because I'm too dang tall.

How cute can a goose egg be?

Our good friends and neighbors are having a baby and we couldn't be more excited for them. Here's what Brandon had to say about their new arrival.

Brandon: We need more space.
Kristina: For what?
B: The neighbors.
K: Why do they need the space?
B: Because they are having a goose egg.
K: A goose egg huh? is it cute?
B: Kristina, how cute can a goose egg be?
K: Does it look like Sheldon from Garfield?
B: Yeah it does. Its got little feet and its running around the neighborhood. Don't let Elliott out. He might eat it.

One liners

There hasn't been much talk from Brandon lately, but here are a couple of one liners that have sliped out on separate occasions.

Brandon (in a Mr. T voice): I'll F*ing blast the fool!

Brandon: I need the Playboys to rope in the fairys. Otherwise they will get away.

When a squirt gun just isn't enough

Our 80lb Doberman, Elliott, has issues barking at anything and everything that moves past our house. In the past we have tried to correct him by squirting him in the face with a squirt gun. This stops the initial bark but hasn’t done much to correct the long term issue. This morning, Brandon came up with a new solution.

Brandon: I tasered Elliott.
Kristina: Why would you taser Elliott?
B: Because the squirt gun isn’t working.
K: I bet you enjoyed that.
B: No, I felt bad, but he has been naughty….now he’s just tired.

The lies an ID bracelet can tell

OK, so I like Sudoku...that doesn't mean I am crazy!

Brandon: Why are you wearing that medical bracelet?
Kristina: I don't know.
B: What does it say?
K: I don't know. You read it. You tell me.
B: It says mentally ill.
K: MENTALLY ILL! I'm not mentally ill!
B: Oh...OK... well is says Sudoku champion.
K: Why does is say sudoku champion?
B: Well it would be a good idea. This way everyone would know you are the sudoku champion of the world.

Dogs have feelings too

When he started this one, I had no idea he was alseep. It was Saturday morning and all three of us (Brandon Elliott and I) were all cuddled under the covers when the alarm went off. It was early but not that early that we couldn't have gotten up. I watched him hit the alram, roll over under the covers, and start this convorsation.

Brandon: I'm going back to sleep.
Kristina: Why did you get up?
B: Becuase the alarm went off.
K: What if Elliott wanted you to get up
B: Well thats tough!
K: He has feelings too.
B: No he don't. He eats his own poop.
K: Don't you love him?
B: Not really.
K: But he's your dog, you should love him the most.
B: Is...he in the room???
K: Yes.
B: Oh, well then yes, I do love him.

Unwelcomed hug

Today was one of those mornings that I let the alarm sounds at least 7 times before I got up. I just wasn’t in the mood to leave our bed. So I shut the alarm off and rolled over to hug my husband, hoping he would be another excuse to stay in bed. I gave him a small squeeze and this is what I heard in return.

Brandon: Don’t hug me. She peed all over you!

Kristina: Why did she pee on me?

B: I don’t know. I gave her fruit snacks hoping to make her happy but she still peed on you.

K: What am I supposed to do about it?

B: You could stop hugging me!

I wonder who “she” is, and what did I do to her.

Extra terrestrial money maker

Not sure where this one came from...

Brandon: Don't diss ET!
Kristina: Why not?
B: Because he is a cute little guy.
K: Do you know anything about him?
B: Well, I have seen the movie.
K: Do you know anything else about him?
B: He is an extra terrestrial pimp.
K: (chuckles) Why is he a pimp?
B: How do you think he made money before he came here?

Trying to win a Grammy

Brandon: I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine. I've got a love that is so mine. Oh. Ohooh.

I was just about to fall asleep when I heard him start to sing a broken version of Pocket full of sunshine. Enough said.

Too much daytime TV

I was tossing and turning all night and I was making Brandon do the same. Just as I was about to fall asleep, I feel Brandon roll over and say this...

Brandon: Seems to be a lot of movement.
Kristina: Whos the one moving?
B: I am.
K: Why are you moving?
B: Because I am restless...and young.